has scoured the Interwebs for some incredible deals on this first day of April. We suggest you (don’t) share these deals with friends and family right away.

50 Shades of Random

Readers or math savants shouldn’t miss A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Random Deviates.

If you lived for The Unabridged Scranton City Phonebook, and couldn’t put down Silver’s A Compendium of Dirt, this is the book for you. This one has all your favorites: 1, 2, 3, 4…it goes on and on! This masterpiece is hailed by the National Times as “a book of dubious merit and questionable intent.” Yes, this is a poignant literary work.

Take this passage from page 302: “475 362218 98310 47589 43 705 47309 67490 17348 57490 77443509 37405 40978 39794 “31847 57303!” Subtle and complex, provocative yet inane, this masterwork ships for only $68.00. Don’t miss this deal!

A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Random Deviates $68.00
Shipping is free with Amazon Prime
Final Price: $68.00 shipped


Hassle the Hoff

Music lovers shouldn’t miss a big savings on David Hasselhoff’s Looking for the Best Album from Amazon.

If you’re a fan of top-notch, smooth vocal stylings from artists like Michael Buble or Luciano Pavarotti, get ready; this sounds nothing like any of those people. This is true human experience, distilled into its most scrumtrilescent musical form.

Trying to impress the big date with your musical savvy? Pop in “the Hoff” and watch the wide-eyed, gape-mouthed stares of appreciation. Few artists have that sort of power.

If you loved Pedro Nagasaki’s Dying Screams of a Gutshot Panther, you’ll cherish Looking For the Best By David Hasselhoff!

Looking for the Best by David Hasselhoff CD, used from $19.75
Pay: $19.75+$2.98 shipping
Final Price: $22.73


Get a Grip

On the hunt for chic and functional accessories? Lasso this ninja grappling hook and rope.

Crafted from the finest steel and ultra-strong nylon, this hook-rope set is very well reviewed. The compact, sleek design stows easily in car or purse.

Locked out of the house at the end of a long day? No problem; just lob the hook onto the roof and slip in through the upstairs window. Gas budget a little tight this month? Affix the hook to your neighbor’s bumper and enjoy the ride.

This model is essential for folks trying to break into the crime fighting industry, or those looking for a handy tool to board rival schooners while pirateering. Argh! Hosting Roman Coliseum battles to the death this weekend? This is the hook for you. Makes a great wedding gift!


Ninja Grappling Hook $20.88
Shipping is free
Final Price: $20.88 shipped


You’re Just Glowing

Looking for a great deal on handy home accessories? Amazon has a super buy on uranium ore.

With a half-life of around 700 million years, this isotope stays fresher longer. It’s perfect for a bright, incandescent smile, and the subtle pink glow it gives to the kids makes little ones easy to locate after dark.

We’ve been using it in the garden. Whoa Nelly, the tomatoes are huge! The place we buried Fluffy looks like something dug its way out, but we’re pretty sure that’s a coincidence.

This uranium ore is a Naturally Occurring Radioactive Mineral (NORM) and adheres to section 13, part 40 of Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) rules and regulations. The best part? It ships for under $40.00—a savings of over 20%!

Uranium Ore (reg $49.95) $39.95
Pay 39.95, and $9.49 shipping
Final Price: $49.44 shipped


Tidy Whities

You know what Mom said. ALWAYS wear clean underpants. Well, some of us can’t plan ahead. So it’s always smart to have a clean pair of drawers handy in case of emergencies. It’s even smarter to have a whole box for quick grab-and-go.

Online reviews say these earthy-friendly unmentionables are a bit see-through and not, um, durable. Take that with a grain of salt, but probably not with Ex-Lax. And these skivvies probably won’t work for Al Roker’s next trip to the White House. Oh well.

Accoutrements Emergency Underpants Dispenser (reg $9.99) $7.31
Shipping is free with Amazon Prime
Final Price: $7.31 shipped


Don’t Fear the Creeper

Date night can get a little boring. It’s always the same old Redbox DVD and takeout from the Chuck Wagon. Why not pony up a bit of cash to get the old relationship trotting along again. After all, nothing says “stable” marriage like a little horsing around.

This horse mask and unitard combo, that is, absolutely, in no way Photoshopped, might just make the date night trifecta! Grab the credit card and saddle up! Yeehaw!

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask (reg $29.99) $18.38
Black Lycra Spandex Zentai Unitard Catsuit (reg $69.00) $34.99
Shipping is free with Amazon Prime
Final Price: $18.38 shipped






Safety First

Not enough time in the day? Make every second count with an exceptional savings on a Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk from Amazon.

The Wheelmate makes tackling complex legal and financial documents while making left-hand turns a snap.

This desk is perfect for folks who want a more robust driving experience: text, apply makeup, clip coupons, perform complex statistical analyses, change diapers, fix snacks, get a jump start on dinner, and even catch up on reading—all while driving.

We don’t recommend use of this product while walking, as it may distract users and lead to injury. Savvy folks who act fast get the Wheelmaster for only $36.99 shipped!

Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk $29.99
Pay $29.99, and $7.00 shipping
Final Price: $36.99 shipped